Along The Way With Dottie Stay

I haven't wanted to write anything lately.  At first I felt really gung ho about it, but now I feel like I don't even want to talk about anything.  Which is fine I think.  There are a lot of feelings and emotions I have felt that I can't put into words.  I have been seeing my therapist weekly.  That has been an improvement.  There are just so many weird emotions and thoughts that have taken place with me.  I don't really know where to file them.  I feel like they need to be processed and talked about, and therapy has been a great outlet.   Deron is amazing and I can talk to him about anything.  I think he is getting exhausted with me though.  Which I don't blame him for.  I want him to open up about his thoughts and feelings through all of this.  We have just kind of blazed through, and then we are left with a mess to clean up and pieces to put back together and we both have just been in survival mode.  He doesn't want to share things with me because he doesn

The Last Few Years So should I just type all swear words or……….?? Kidding.  I actually don’t know where to begin except to say that through all of this, I have had some high highs, some low lows, and just plain rock bottom.  BUT.  Good news is, there was a bottom.  I have thought a lot about how to explain this.  I knew that I had hit the hardest time in my life thus far, but I never felt like I just kept falling and I was doomed.  So.  I hit rock bottom, but not rock bottomless.  There’s a difference.  A huge difference.  Let me explain.  Faith. That sounds like an easy answer, but it goes much deeper.  Most of my life I would say that I have had faith.  When reading the Book of Mormon, Praying, Seminary going, church going, Temple attending, I have never needed an angel to visit me and slap me across the face and say…. This is True.  This is real.  The way that I feel the spirit (which is undeniable I might add, and not just a good feeling that I want to feel) is real, a

I wrote this poem a week before I found out I had cancer.  I felt bad for so many that have been struggling during such a difficult time. SO much conflict and disaster all around. I am way too much of a softie and wish I could fix everything.   I wanted to create something that meant something to me, and could hopefully bring joy to others.  Little did I know that I would want to reflect on this often for my own personal fall back.  I am a sucker for all things artsy.  I wish I felt more comfortable sharing things I have written.  This blog feels safe because I can see how many looks it gets and thankfully it isn't too many.  I don't know why that gives me relief.  I feel so easily judged and very vulnerable right now.  I don't like it.  And I don't know what imaginary bar I have set for myself and why I have.  SO DUMB.  The problem I've realized is that I think the truth of the matter is, the fake bar that I do have set for myself is ever changing, and because o

Ever since April 15th I have lived with a pit in my stomach.   Hearing the C word as a diagnosis isn't fun.  There are such varying degrees of the c word as well.   So how do you even gauge that?  It just sucks.  What's the next step,  what do I do in the mean time,  do I tell people, do I now tell people? It is just a disaster of feelings and emotions, and then reliving them every time you talk to someone new.  It is so overwhelming.  I wanted to be sedated and wake up in January 2021.  I mean who doesn't right?! I have ductal carcinoma in SITU.  It is a contained form of breast cancer.  My lump is the size of small plum.  But not in thickness.  Just in diameter.  It's an inch think.  I found it just going in for my yearly mammogram.  I had to go back and have another mammogram, and then an ultrasound, and then a biopsy, and then an MRI.  Holy crap.  I do not wish  that on anyone.  especially the biopsy.  It is like a torture chamber.  You are awake the whole time, a

These are some texts that I sent to people during all that was going on.  I want to make sure to have these on record.  My Feelings 2020 I just got off the phone with the surgeons office.    She specializes in this and is known for being INCREDIBLY THOROUGH.     so thank the heavens above (literally). I see her Thursday the 23rd at 3:30. They said that everything is a case by case.    And by Monday they said she will be so well versed with my case that I will almost be a little scared how well she knows me when I see her on Thursday.     They said that when I leave Thursday I will have the full plan in place.    Everything.    Surgery, radiation, hormones, anything and everything will be scheduled and in place.     🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻  I feel confident and secure about everything.    Like I feel like it is all falling into place well.     It will be a fight, but for the love, what doesn’t kill me had better freaking start running because I am pissed and ready for war. Thanks so m

There I was.  It was early in the morning on February 21, 2020, and I woke up to what I thought was a real life enactment of Julius Caesar's death.   Holy pain.  I didn't want to wake Deron so I tried to get to the bathroom without making a sound.  That's hard when the swear words are forming in your throat.  Anyway, long story, longer, kidney stones.  "Or it could be.....?  kidney stones.  Or maybe..... kidney stones" I felt like Joey Tribiani.  Thankfully these bad boys were much smaller than my ones from the previous year coming in at 11mm and 7mm. These were 4mm and 2mm.  So good newsroom the ER visit Deron made me go to.  "Take these drugs, this lovely sieve to pee in to catch the stones, and you can be on your way.  You will pass them in the next few days."  Right.  Right.  To the normal person this would have gone as said plan.  Fast forward to the next day. Deron - " Have you passed anything?" Me - "I want to poke out either you