THE ONE WITH THE TEXTS

These are some texts that I sent to people during all that was going on.  I want to make sure to have these on record.  My Feelings 2020

I just got off the phone with the surgeons office.  She specializes in this and is known for being INCREDIBLY THOROUGH.   so thank the heavens above (literally). I see her Thursday the 23rd at 3:30. They said that everything is a case by case.  And by Monday they said she will be so well versed with my case that I will almost be a little scared how well she knows me when I see her on Thursday.   They said that when I leave Thursday I will have the full plan in place.  Everything.  Surgery, radiation, hormones, anything and everything will be scheduled and in place.   🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 I feel confident and secure about everything.  Like I feel like it is all falling into place well.   It will be a fight, but for the love, what doesn’t kill me had better freaking start running because I am pissed and ready for war.

Thanks so much mom.   I struggle too, but I feel like it will all be okay.  I feel like I feel better when I have a good attitude, and can just love life as usual.  I want to enjoy my awesome life even though things get hard.  No use living in misery.   That just makes it worse.  I feel so good about the dr I am seeing, and talking with her nurse yesterday made me even more encouraged.  I keep thinking of conference when elder holland quoted that sister missionary.   “I haven’t come this far to come this far”. I love that! 

I just need to verbalize something.    If I am being 1000 percent honest, I am not really scared at all.  I’ve never felt more secure with submitting to god’s will.  Like that is faith.  Kind of like shadrack, meeshack, and abendigo.   I can’t spell their names.  And maybe it wasn’t even them, any who, I digress.   Haha!   They said I know our God will save us from the fire, but even if he doesn’t, I won’t be mad or not believe.   (Clearly I’m paraphrasing).   This is a part of me now.  And I love it.  (Not really).  But I can’t change it.  All I can do is move forward.  That’s it.  Keep on keepin’ on.  Talk to god.  Listen to the spirit.  Put forth all of my effort and that’s it.  The end.  I mean I can’t sit around a mope.   For one that will depress me and I want to enjoy life, and for b, it won’t change ANYTHING!   So I feel great about all of this.  Who cares if it’s something I have to follow the rest of my life.  At least I will be on top of it and not waiting for something else to happen.  Like good ole nice gentle man from Shawshank says.... get busy livin’ or get busy diein’     We’ll all be 🤬 if not gonna live the 🤬 out of my life.   Cause that’s the only thing that will help me feel better.  Ya know??

And I had a little tender mercy last night as far as an answer goes for me.   It was actually kind of funny.   After talking to you and about absolute peace of mind, that made me feel like what I had told you.   Doing double mastectomy unless Dr Jensen absolutely has some horrifying story about not to.    I talked with krissy yesterday too.   And she said.... I know it’s only 3% difference in reoccurrence, but 3% difference for you is a lot bigger than anyone else.   Hahaha!   We LAUGHED!   And then last night we ordered some food.  I wrote down what I wanted for Deron ......  turkey salad with avacado, jalapeño ranch dressing, and a mini raspberry shake.   Well, when he went to order all of our food it was going along swimmingly well.  Then he got to my order and sorry.  We are out of Avacodo.   Okay.  That’s fine.   Oh sorry we don’t have any more Jalepeno ranch dressing.  Are you serious?!   Who runs out of dressing?!   Okay.  I’ll have a mini raspberry shake.   Sorry.  We don’t have any more raspberries either.   🤦🏻‍♀️🙄😳🙀 everything in my order was out.   Except the lettuce.   Hahaha!  I thought that was so dang funny.   And at the same time, I thought welp.... there’s my answer.  Hahaha!   Does any of that make any sense at all?

Comments

  1. Pam TuellerMay 22, 2020 at 8:23 AM

    Oh, you are so delightful to read! You have many Tueller euphemisms in your vernacular! I had almost forgotten one that Jessica used quite often, "for the love" Haha! And such a positive attitude! Keep it up & the healing will go by swiftly 😊🤗💝

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

THE ONE WITH A HYSTER SISTER

(I guess I had written this and never posted it.  So why not do it now.). So, I had a hysterectomy in December 2018.    That was weird at first.  Who am I kidding.  It's weird now.  I feel like I someone stole my purse.  It carries/carried some of my most precious items.  After my surgery my youngest son asked me how I was feeling.  I told him I was okay.  He then asked me how I felt without my "baby holder" I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.  Of course initially I cried.  I mean I was drugged, and hormonal.   Which isn't saying much because I may not be drugged daily(that's debatable), but I'd say I am insane and hormonal most days.  I just embrace it.  I am getting better though.  Other drugs, exorcism, and some "special" balm have given me some major improvements. After the good cry,  I wanted to tell him I felt a good riddance to that baby holder.  I don't need it anymore, it's causing me grief, and to top it all off... no more
Read more

THE ONE WITH THE LETTER

The Last Few Years So should I just type all swear words or……….?? Kidding.  I actually don’t know where to begin except to say that through all of this, I have had some high highs, some low lows, and just plain rock bottom.  BUT.  Good news is, there was a bottom.  I have thought a lot about how to explain this.  I knew that I had hit the hardest time in my life thus far, but I never felt like I just kept falling and I was doomed.  So.  I hit rock bottom, but not rock bottomless.  There’s a difference.  A huge difference.  Let me explain.  Faith. That sounds like an easy answer, but it goes much deeper.  Most of my life I would say that I have had faith.  When reading the Book of Mormon, Praying, Seminary going, church going, Temple attending, I have never needed an angel to visit me and slap me across the face and say…. This is True.  This is real.  The way that I feel the spirit (which is undeniable I might add, and not just a good feeling that I want to feel) is real, a
Read more

THE ONE WITH THERAPY

I haven't wanted to write anything lately.  At first I felt really gung ho about it, but now I feel like I don't even want to talk about anything.  Which is fine I think.  There are a lot of feelings and emotions I have felt that I can't put into words.  I have been seeing my therapist weekly.  That has been an improvement.  There are just so many weird emotions and thoughts that have taken place with me.  I don't really know where to file them.  I feel like they need to be processed and talked about, and therapy has been a great outlet.   Deron is amazing and I can talk to him about anything.  I think he is getting exhausted with me though.  Which I don't blame him for.  I want him to open up about his thoughts and feelings through all of this.  We have just kind of blazed through, and then we are left with a mess to clean up and pieces to put back together and we both have just been in survival mode.  He doesn't want to share things with me because he doesn
Read more