THE ONE WITH THE BAD WORD
Ever since April 15th I have lived with a pit in my stomach. Hearing the C word as a diagnosis isn't fun. There are such varying degrees of the c word as well. So how do you even gauge that? It just sucks. What's the next step, what do I do in the mean time, do I tell people, do I now tell people? It is just a disaster of feelings and emotions, and then reliving them every time you talk to someone new. It is so overwhelming. I wanted to be sedated and wake up in January 2021. I mean who doesn't right?!
I have ductal carcinoma in SITU. It is a contained form of breast cancer. My lump is the size of small plum. But not in thickness. Just in diameter. It's an inch think. I found it just going in for my yearly mammogram. I had to go back and have another mammogram, and then an ultrasound, and then a biopsy, and then an MRI. Holy crap. I do not wish that on anyone. especially the biopsy. It is like a torture chamber. You are awake the whole time, and they use a 9 gauge needle to stab you with and extract the sample for the biopsy. Not to mention the fact that you are on your stomach on a table. Raised up (and not in the good way like Josh Groban) with your chest hanging down in their faces as they stab you and take out the sample. Just google stereotactic biopsy. And you're welcome for the nightmares.
On to the surgeon I went. Dr. Tittensor. Yes. That is really her name and so many people have seen her. She is the best in the state. People travel all over to see her. I live about 2 miles away from her office. Such an amazing blessing. She gave me the option of doing a lumpectomy on my right side where the lump was found, a mastectomy on my right side, or a double mastectomy. At first I thought a lumpectomy was the way to go. Then I changed to right mastectomy, and then finally I decided on a double mastectomy. lumpectomy would have for sure involved radiation. I talked with friends and family and got some opinions. Bottom line, what would give me the most peace of mind? I just want all of the tissue gone. Take it away. I don't want to worry another minute about it. Even though nothing was wrong with my left side, that sucker (as my sister said) was guilty by association. So bye bye. And I felt great about it.
The days leading up to surgery I felt so calm and good about everything. Until the day before. I put it out there on social media which was so hard for me to do. I didn't think people would be mean or not care. I was just so overwhelmed with love and support, I didn't know how to thank everyone and it made me feel so uncomfortable. I told Deron that it was almost worse that people were being nice! I don't even know now to verbalize an adequate thank you. I was just a mess. Even now I sit and wonder why people are so nice to me. I'm not saying that so people say omgosh are you kidding?! I honestly don't get it. I am always the one that helps and takes care of people. Having it the other way around is the worst for me.
The day of surgery was a dreaded day for me. I had to go to the hospital alone. Because of COVID-19 they were only allowing just the patient in the hospital. This was the worst. I gave my Dro a kiss and walked in. They kept him well informed, and to be completely honest, I never felt alone. I felt like I was totally strengthened. I never once thought that I was by myself. I like to think that per my prayers and other prayers, I had enlisted a good group of those that had passed on to be able to be in the hospital with me. That was comforting.
Everything was fast getting me all together in order to go to the OR. Nurses were amazing, I talked to the dr's and they were amazing. I felt great as they put me off to sleep. When I woke up, I wasn't in a lot of pain. Things were of course different. It was strange to feel that I was different. They removed all of my breast tissue on both sides, as well as 4 lymph nodes on my right side. They put in expanders which are made of thicker plastic than implants. They are super annoying, and hurt. and feel like two boulders covered in a tarp shoved inside. So there's that. I still have a chest, and I look some what normal. I do have large stitched incisions across each breasticle that Deron says look like I've been doing some heavy petting with Edward Scissor hands.
The doctor did pathology during surgery. Amazingly enough, all of the tissue and lymph nodes around the cancer came back negative. So as far as things were concerned, I strictly have DCIS. Which is such a fantastic thing. It is the best case scenario for a not so fun diagnosis.
If I am being completely honest, right after surgery and still now, I felt like I was missing parts of myself. Like I am permanently broken/maimed. I won't have a my uterus again, I won't have my very own boobages again (which may I add were "real and spectacular"), my hair is gray, which is more easily kept up by being blonde, my joints with arthritis and stupid autoimmune crap keep me from doing what I want, and after the hormone blockers I my ovaries will most likely be gone the way of the dodo. I am only 41. That's still young. Right?! I feel sad. I feel discouraged. I just want to cry.
While I sat in my hospital bed and talked to friends and family as they would come to my window and then call me so I could talk to them like we were face to face was just hard. It was lonely, it was like salt in a wound. It was the most bizarre thing ever.
It is hard for me to describe or even talk about all that had/has gone on. I don't have words, and yet I find that I am writing paragraphs in my mind, and then when I sit down to do it, I can't. Not to mention the stinging and pain from my drains has my mind in overdrive with insanity. I have hit some really low points in the past weeks. Trying to explain them almost depresses me.
We got the final pathology report back yesterday. It is a literal miracle. I mean I almost don't believe it because of conversations I have had with others who have had my similar cancer, and situation. Pathology final came back ALL CLEAR. I don't need radiation or chemotherapy. All of the tissue around the cancer was benign. IT IS A MIRACLE! I was so overwhelmed with hope and gratitude. So many people love me and pray for me and think about me. I don't feel deserving. I will never be able to adequately thanks everyone, and that is so hard for me. It makes me cry.
I also have weird feelings about no radiation or chemo because what if they missed something? I mean don't get me wrong. I don't want to do either! But if I don't have radiation or chemo, did I really have cancer? Is this still hard? Should I be accepting all of the love and support even though they got all the cancer in surgery? Am I worthy of all of the kindness? Can I claim that I am a cancer thriver? So many people go through so much worse! I don't want to be ignorant or unaware of other's struggles.
I mean these are the things that are going on in my head. If you didn't know I was crazy before, you do now. My anxiety is at an all time high. I also am struggling with even wanting to see other people, or my usual talk myself out of all kinds of irrational thought. Typically I am good at that. I keep telling Deron that I am a mess. He is the sweetest and tells me that I'm not, but the poor guy has got to be lying. Physically I feel stronger each day. Everything is going along really well with the healing process. It will just take way too long for me. And I don't have patience. I never learn.
I will do follow ups with my doctors, and then on to oncology. I am not looking forward to hormone blockers. Holy crap bags. I mean talk about a rude awakening! The Dr. told me that I will need to 1. be prepared to go from a 41 year old woman to a 75 year old woman in a week. Which I am wondering if she meant 75 year old man instead of woman. We shall see. I may have a full beard when this is all over. And 2. sign a contract with my husband that no major decisions will be made in the next 6 months. ie..divorce. Oh goody. All the guys I've ever dated are like..... RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MAN! SHE WAS BAD BEFORE! Yes. Before my anxiety medication, and my wonderful therapist, I know I made some people's lives a rollercoaster to put it nicely. Namely my own!
I still need to do genetic testing as well. I have an appointment with that doctor today. So that could be a nice little adventure too. "By the way, you will have dementia by the time you are 45." Oh lovely. I've still got 4 years. Bottoms up. Just a minute at a time right now. And even that sometimes is second to second. Heaven help us all.
I have ductal carcinoma in SITU. It is a contained form of breast cancer. My lump is the size of small plum. But not in thickness. Just in diameter. It's an inch think. I found it just going in for my yearly mammogram. I had to go back and have another mammogram, and then an ultrasound, and then a biopsy, and then an MRI. Holy crap. I do not wish that on anyone. especially the biopsy. It is like a torture chamber. You are awake the whole time, and they use a 9 gauge needle to stab you with and extract the sample for the biopsy. Not to mention the fact that you are on your stomach on a table. Raised up (and not in the good way like Josh Groban) with your chest hanging down in their faces as they stab you and take out the sample. Just google stereotactic biopsy. And you're welcome for the nightmares.
On to the surgeon I went. Dr. Tittensor. Yes. That is really her name and so many people have seen her. She is the best in the state. People travel all over to see her. I live about 2 miles away from her office. Such an amazing blessing. She gave me the option of doing a lumpectomy on my right side where the lump was found, a mastectomy on my right side, or a double mastectomy. At first I thought a lumpectomy was the way to go. Then I changed to right mastectomy, and then finally I decided on a double mastectomy. lumpectomy would have for sure involved radiation. I talked with friends and family and got some opinions. Bottom line, what would give me the most peace of mind? I just want all of the tissue gone. Take it away. I don't want to worry another minute about it. Even though nothing was wrong with my left side, that sucker (as my sister said) was guilty by association. So bye bye. And I felt great about it.
The days leading up to surgery I felt so calm and good about everything. Until the day before. I put it out there on social media which was so hard for me to do. I didn't think people would be mean or not care. I was just so overwhelmed with love and support, I didn't know how to thank everyone and it made me feel so uncomfortable. I told Deron that it was almost worse that people were being nice! I don't even know now to verbalize an adequate thank you. I was just a mess. Even now I sit and wonder why people are so nice to me. I'm not saying that so people say omgosh are you kidding?! I honestly don't get it. I am always the one that helps and takes care of people. Having it the other way around is the worst for me.
The day of surgery was a dreaded day for me. I had to go to the hospital alone. Because of COVID-19 they were only allowing just the patient in the hospital. This was the worst. I gave my Dro a kiss and walked in. They kept him well informed, and to be completely honest, I never felt alone. I felt like I was totally strengthened. I never once thought that I was by myself. I like to think that per my prayers and other prayers, I had enlisted a good group of those that had passed on to be able to be in the hospital with me. That was comforting.
Everything was fast getting me all together in order to go to the OR. Nurses were amazing, I talked to the dr's and they were amazing. I felt great as they put me off to sleep. When I woke up, I wasn't in a lot of pain. Things were of course different. It was strange to feel that I was different. They removed all of my breast tissue on both sides, as well as 4 lymph nodes on my right side. They put in expanders which are made of thicker plastic than implants. They are super annoying, and hurt. and feel like two boulders covered in a tarp shoved inside. So there's that. I still have a chest, and I look some what normal. I do have large stitched incisions across each breasticle that Deron says look like I've been doing some heavy petting with Edward Scissor hands.
The doctor did pathology during surgery. Amazingly enough, all of the tissue and lymph nodes around the cancer came back negative. So as far as things were concerned, I strictly have DCIS. Which is such a fantastic thing. It is the best case scenario for a not so fun diagnosis.
If I am being completely honest, right after surgery and still now, I felt like I was missing parts of myself. Like I am permanently broken/maimed. I won't have a my uterus again, I won't have my very own boobages again (which may I add were "real and spectacular"), my hair is gray, which is more easily kept up by being blonde, my joints with arthritis and stupid autoimmune crap keep me from doing what I want, and after the hormone blockers I my ovaries will most likely be gone the way of the dodo. I am only 41. That's still young. Right?! I feel sad. I feel discouraged. I just want to cry.
While I sat in my hospital bed and talked to friends and family as they would come to my window and then call me so I could talk to them like we were face to face was just hard. It was lonely, it was like salt in a wound. It was the most bizarre thing ever.
It is hard for me to describe or even talk about all that had/has gone on. I don't have words, and yet I find that I am writing paragraphs in my mind, and then when I sit down to do it, I can't. Not to mention the stinging and pain from my drains has my mind in overdrive with insanity. I have hit some really low points in the past weeks. Trying to explain them almost depresses me.
We got the final pathology report back yesterday. It is a literal miracle. I mean I almost don't believe it because of conversations I have had with others who have had my similar cancer, and situation. Pathology final came back ALL CLEAR. I don't need radiation or chemotherapy. All of the tissue around the cancer was benign. IT IS A MIRACLE! I was so overwhelmed with hope and gratitude. So many people love me and pray for me and think about me. I don't feel deserving. I will never be able to adequately thanks everyone, and that is so hard for me. It makes me cry.
I also have weird feelings about no radiation or chemo because what if they missed something? I mean don't get me wrong. I don't want to do either! But if I don't have radiation or chemo, did I really have cancer? Is this still hard? Should I be accepting all of the love and support even though they got all the cancer in surgery? Am I worthy of all of the kindness? Can I claim that I am a cancer thriver? So many people go through so much worse! I don't want to be ignorant or unaware of other's struggles.
I mean these are the things that are going on in my head. If you didn't know I was crazy before, you do now. My anxiety is at an all time high. I also am struggling with even wanting to see other people, or my usual talk myself out of all kinds of irrational thought. Typically I am good at that. I keep telling Deron that I am a mess. He is the sweetest and tells me that I'm not, but the poor guy has got to be lying. Physically I feel stronger each day. Everything is going along really well with the healing process. It will just take way too long for me. And I don't have patience. I never learn.
I will do follow ups with my doctors, and then on to oncology. I am not looking forward to hormone blockers. Holy crap bags. I mean talk about a rude awakening! The Dr. told me that I will need to 1. be prepared to go from a 41 year old woman to a 75 year old woman in a week. Which I am wondering if she meant 75 year old man instead of woman. We shall see. I may have a full beard when this is all over. And 2. sign a contract with my husband that no major decisions will be made in the next 6 months. ie..divorce. Oh goody. All the guys I've ever dated are like..... RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MAN! SHE WAS BAD BEFORE! Yes. Before my anxiety medication, and my wonderful therapist, I know I made some people's lives a rollercoaster to put it nicely. Namely my own!
I still need to do genetic testing as well. I have an appointment with that doctor today. So that could be a nice little adventure too. "By the way, you will have dementia by the time you are 45." Oh lovely. I've still got 4 years. Bottoms up. Just a minute at a time right now. And even that sometimes is second to second. Heaven help us all.
Min, you have been through a lot in the last couple of years, but you are a survivor and you are LOVED!!!!! I am so glad to hear your pathology reports. That is a total blessing.
ReplyDeleteWe know you have a hard time accepting help, but know we are willing to help in any way we can. We love you and your family. Your boys are treasures and I am so glad we have been able to get to know them on a personal level. We welcome you and them in our home anytime.
BTW, 75 isn't so bad, but then it took 75 years for me to get there. KEEP SMILING
Love Ann
Min, you are such an amazing woman. You are a survivor and I love you so much!
ReplyDelete