THE ONE WITH THE LETTER

The Last Few Years

So should I just type all swear words or……….??

Kidding.  I actually don’t know where to begin except to say that through all of this, I have had some high highs, some low lows, and just plain rock bottom.  BUT.  Good news is, there was a bottom.  I have thought a lot about how to explain this.  I knew that I had hit the hardest time in my life thus far, but I never felt like I just kept falling and I was doomed.  So.  I hit rock bottom, but not rock bottomless.  There’s a difference.  A huge difference.  Let me explain. 

Faith. That sounds like an easy answer, but it goes much deeper.  Most of my life I would say that I have had faith.  When reading the Book of Mormon, Praying, Seminary going, church going, Temple attending, I have never needed an angel to visit me and slap me across the face and say…. This is True.  This is real.  The way that I feel the spirit (which is undeniable I might add, and not just a good feeling that I want to feel) is real, and I know it very well.  And incredibly enough, I have from a young age, and I can’t nor will I ever deny that.  So, with that said spiritually, I have been blessed to have a very sensitive conscience, and soul to confirm truth.  So any questions, or problems have somewhat been easily navigated.  This?  This was different.  I’ve gone a long for well,….ever thinking that I knew what faith was.  And mind you, I am still learning.  But, I do think that for some reason, God has allowed me a little tiny bit of a glimpse of true faith, and God’s will.  Which as a side note I don’t recommend submitting to, unless you are willing to FULLY.  Surely I jest, but for reals.    

The day that the doctor called and told me…. Surprise!  You have Cancer.   Was not fun.  The absolute pit in my stomach and disgust in my throat was almost too much.  Especially having been through sepsis, blood clots, infections, and surgery just a month before.  I didn’t have many answers, not a lot of information at this point, and really was only able to hear the word Cancer.  That word stinks.  There are such varying degrees, and stages, and grades, and so on and on and on……..  I just knew that I would need surgery, and that a doctor would be calling me to set up an appointment to move forward.  I remember in the middle of the first night of my diagnosis,  I just suddenly opened my eyes and said out loud to myself “I have Cancer.”   What in the what?!  My mind couldn’t grasp that.  Was I really talking about myself?  The three days that followed were hard.  Calling family to let them know.  Reliving everything anytime I talked to someone.   All of it was exhausting in every sense of the word.  

My personal opinion in this type of situation is that you have the option of going two ways.  One relying solely on self, doctors, friends, family, spouse, children, research, and anything you cam get your hands on or anyone you could talk to.  The second is all of the above with one added feature.  God.  Our Heavenly Father is the heavenly additive that is the game changer in every way.  I don’t claim to ever know nor will I ever know what others go through, what state of mind they may be in, what life experiences they have had, what issues they may be facing, and so on.  I don’t.  So I will never judge those who choose to move forward with man alone.  But for me, the latter was my only/clear cut option.  I didn’t know how, I didn’t know when, I didn’t know why,  I didn’t know what was even going to happen at all.  Let’s be honest.  I didn’t know up from down at that point.  Deron and I prayed together (cause like my sister says about her spouse, he’s my better 3/4) and turned everything over to Heavenly Parents, and our Savior.  I was frozen, and gave all of my above feelings to the ones who know me best, and the ones who know exactly what to do, why it’s happening, when things will move forward, how things will proceed, and will keep me lifted up amidst all that was weighing me down.  

After Deron and I had our initial prayer, I had a quiet pow wow in my heart with the key players.   I had honestly in my minds gift wrapped all of my dilemmas in a package with a bow and handed it to Them.  I asked Heavenly Father to please let me feel the spirit how I have always felt and that I would be guided making decision, hearing opinions, gathering information, talking to others, and moving forwarded in all aspects.  What followed was absolutely incredible.  I began to feel without a shadow of a doubt that God’s will would be done and that everything would be okay.  And not in the sense that I wanted everything to be how I expected “okay”.  Like wanting there to be rainbows and unicorns, and I would glide perfectly off into the problems unscathed and live forever. No. This was not the okay that I felt.  I just KNEW that no matter what outcome, everything would be alright because of God’s perfect plan.   Never in my life had I felt such peace.   If I am being 100%  honest, I wasn’t even scared.  I couldn’t believe I didn’t feel that way.  I tried to talk myself into feeling scared, and the feelings wouldn’t come.  My fear had absolutely turned to faith.  Even if the worst should happen (death), I was so calm about it.  Talking with the doctors about procedures, treatments, reconstruction, future realities……not even worried.   What struck me about my faith this time was that I wasn’t thinking that everything was going to be okay because I wanted it to be or I thought that I was going to be magically healed.  No.  It was because I trusted God.  No matter the outcome,  I didn’t need to know why, how, when, what, anything.  None of those things mattered because it would not change  the situation or God’s will.  I trust He and His Son more than anything in this world.  Their plan is exquisite.  Jesus told us he wouldn’t leave us. Even though He can’t be with us physically on earth right now, he has given us the gift of the Holy Ghost. Because of this,  I knew exactly the way that I needed to proceed every step of the way, and not because it was easy (IT WAS NOT EASY) but because I KNEW God knew better than I do.  He knows what I need and what should happen better and most assuredly than what I think I want or I think I know/need.  One decision was having a single or double mastectomy.  Double meant longer recovery and other issues with pain,  and hospital stay, reconstruction, drains, a whole slew of stuff. Weighing all options I knew I should move forward and have a double mastectomy.  I knew the spirit was telling me to do that, but I didn’t want to.  My puny human brain said no when I knew the spirit said yes.   I proceeded with a double.  Come to find out after follow ups with my Doctor, it’s a good thing I did.  I don’t have to go through with hormone medication that could have been detrimental to other aspect of my life.  Again, the GIFT of the Holy Ghost came through.  Faith and God’s will has never hit me so hard.   I don’t claim to know this principle in and out by any means, and this will be an ongoing learning experience for me for sure.  Perspective is a funny thing.  With the Spirit it opens a whole new world when it comes to submitting to God’s will and his timing. Again, it’s not easy.  Like my sister says….”the thing about perspective is… you either have it, or you’re gonna get it” 

I have been thinking of my feelings as possibly, and respectfully of what I understand to be those of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego.  I know you know the story so I will politely paraphrase with hopefully no blasphemous tones.  That seemingly blackguard Nebuchadnezzar was a roguish one wasn’t he?  Yowsa.  Worship this golden idol or I will throw you in a fiery furnace.  Alrighty then.  Seems fairly cut and dry, frightening enough and I’m sure the golden image was lovely and the people thought, hey I can do that to save my life. He just told me to do it, so I will.  But those three afore mentioned were different.  They weren’t going to worship a false idol even if it meant their lives.  They flat out told the King (not “carefully” mind you) Yeah, we aren’t doing that. Period.  And we don’t care what you do to us because I know our God.  And we only worship him, and He can save us.  Then, here’s where their story really gets me.  They follow up right to the king’s face with….. “but if not”, we still won’t worship your idol.   That is full faith, bravery, courage, adamance, submission to god’s will the full deal as far as I’m concerned.  They were facing eminent death, and they knew God could save them, but even if he didn’t  they were still on board. They were all in.  I almost dared not even speak the words of possibly having felt the same way as those three because I feared that the all in, full faith feeling would go away for myself.  But it didn’t.  This faith feeling for me was life changing.     

Another faith promoting aspect was…..through all of this I never felt alone.  I was by myself PLENTY of times too.  Because of the pandemic, I wasn’t allowed to have anyone with me at any of my appointments.  This wasn’t fun. Mammograms….alone.   Ultrasounds……alone.  Biopsy (which is how they should be interrogating terrorists if you ask me) ………. alone.  Doctor appointments…..alone. Surgery prep……alone. Hospital stay…..alone.  No visitors.  I so wanted my sweetheart and right hand man right next to me for everything.  I do however, have the greatest pictures of my family right outside my hospital window.  They are awesome. They are amazing. I know with certainty that Heavenly Father directly answered my prayers when I asked to never feeling alone through all of this.  I asked that those from the other side be with me. And they most assuredly came through!  Elder Holland so beautifully describes chariots flying to our aid, so I called those in, and boy did they fly in.  I was more than sustained.  I was in an ancestor bubble of love as far as I’m concerned. 

All in all (now that I have written a novel. I apologize.) There are several lessons I have learned and experiences I have gleaned that I wouldn’t change for the world.  I don’t know that I love the circumstances, but that is irrelevant.  I can’t change that so why not move forward with a smile.  I can either embrace and move forward with joy, or embrace and move forward with misery.  Either way, the situation doesn’t change, and the last thing I want to do is add misery.  No thank you!  So move forward enjoying life it is!  

I feel blessed to maybe have experienced some level of pain these past years. Sounds wrong, I know.  It at times was excruciating pain that I thought at one time when I had a fever of 104 and my body was convulsing from said pain I thought it may take my life. (A little dramatic on my part.  I know)  I am sure several have experienced this level of pain in this life time.  I don’t claim to have a corner on the market of pain and suffering.  No one is exempt.  I would never claim to know how any one else feels or minimize anyone’s pain intensity.  For some reason, what it did for me was in a very microscopic way give me a wee experience of what the Savior felt.  Of course, His was magnetized by infinity times infinity which I can’t even fathom, and absolutely blows my mind.  My appreciation for the atonement has grown exponentially.  This is not meant to be blasphemous . I am not comparing my self to the Savior in ANY regard.  I just felt a strong prompting about the pain that I was able to experience to be a blessing for me.  I felt I shouldn’t forget it and also appreciate it.  I’m sure others have had a similar experience. This was a very special and enlightening feeling from the spirit for me.   

Let’s be honest.  If we have our spiritual eyeballs in, shouldn’t any trial, hardship, persecution, tragedy, difficulty and so forth be something we are ask for?  How else are we supposed to become gods and goddesses? Right?  I mean I know I have taken narcotics in the past month, but experiences in this life are the key.  Right?  How else can we love people with pure charity, or have true empathy for others? The why is already answered in any situation. So we just keep going with true faith.  Specifics of the why does not matter and the outcome won’t change.  Is my mic on?…. because I’m certainly not asking for more.  For the love my white flag is at full staff.  BUT I love this concept. 

One of my favorite quotes from this last General Conference is from sweet Elder Holland quoting a sister missionary. “I haven’t come this far to come this far.”  (My other favorite quote not from conference is “what doesn’t kill me had better start running.”). God has a perfect plan A.  And while we are here on earth there are so many things that can and do create alternate plans for our human selves.  We may start on our own plan A, but the next thing you know we have been relegated to plan zzz and that’s okay.  It’s because God has His perfect plan A that we are okay to be all the way to zzz with life experiences.   If our base is God’s plan, that’s foolproof, fail proof, and absolutely perfect.  It doesn’t matter what we have had to succumbe to with trials, tribulations, heartache and so forth as long as our foundation is God’s plan. Our Savior’s gospel.  That will never change, and in the end we will triumph.  We have to.  It’s the plan.  It’s the only option.  It’s THE option.  We know the ending.  We know how this plays out.  It’s a matter of not quitting and keeping true to the faith and the main blueprint.  Is it easy?  No.  But God didn’t become God because things were easy.  That’s impossible.  

So in conclusion……. (if you’ve read this far, congratulations.  You’re 100 years old) If anything, this has completely solidified my already cement clad testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ.  There is no way.  NO WAY that I coud have gotten or continue to get through all what this life has to offer without my Heavenly Parents, my Savior, and His gift to us the Holy Ghost.  God loves his children.  God knows his children, God will never leave his children. God speaks to his children. God listens to his children. God is the same forever.   I’ve never liked the sayings “You can do hard things” or God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle.”   Guess what?  We do hard things because God permits experiences to happen in our lives that are too hard for our finite human capacity to handle so WE TURN TO HIM AND HIS SON.  We submit our will.  We move forward with trust.   And I’m talking like I have this all figured out and I do this all the time and walk on air.  SO far from the truth.  I have just been able to have the small life blip where God has allowed me to test the truth that I have been studying and learning all my life.  I am sure in some form or another this will continue to happen.  I pray that I can be as strong with any situation as God has blessed me to be with this one.  In no way are any of these amazing things and miracles that have come from all of this my doing.  Not even close.  I just have finally realized that as much as I want to control the uncontrollable I can’t, but I know someone who can.  And I trust him implicitly.  I am at peace to be a His vessel, hopefully a conduit of HIs for good, and follow HIm.  Forever.  

To me (which I’m sure others have come to realize much sooner than I) this has all been an incredible once in a lifetime, euphoric, epic, rare journey with absolutely no bottomless pit.  There was/is an end.  With only what I mentioned before as opinion to having two options before me, I wonder if I took the lesser traveled?   In a world of confusion, unhappiness, selfishness, self agrandizing, and not enough credit to our Father in Heaven, I tend to think that that may have been the road I opted for. I don’t know.  I am glad I am writing this so others can know my feelings and hopefully build on there own so the road becomes a little more familiar to all who embark.   It kind of makes me think of Robert Frost’s poem “The Road Less Taken”

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

I pray I can be in tune enough to allow this incredible spiritual journey to continue even if it means adding to the literal battle scars I proudly wear on my earthly body.  That’s okay.  I am a warrior with a path and His plan. I am all in.  And, God granting as Elder Holland quotes..….still “miles to go before I sleep.”

Mindy Stailey