THE ONE WITH THERAPY

I haven't wanted to write anything lately.  At first I felt really gung ho about it, but now I feel like I don't even want to talk about anything.  Which is fine I think.  There are a lot of feelings and emotions I have felt that I can't put into words.  I have been seeing my therapist weekly.  That has been an improvement.  There are just so many weird emotions and thoughts that have taken place with me.  I don't really know where to file them.  I feel like they need to be processed and talked about, and therapy has been a great outlet.  

Deron is amazing and I can talk to him about anything.  I think he is getting exhausted with me though.  Which I don't blame him for.  I want him to open up about his thoughts and feelings through all of this.  We have just kind of blazed through, and then we are left with a mess to clean up and pieces to put back together and we both have just been in survival mode.  He doesn't want to share things with me because he doesn't want to stress me more, and I would love for him to share his feelings, but I get that that could be hard.  Or that he thinks he may be putting more on my plate.  I don't even know where my plate is to be honest.  

I am hell and gone in my mind in so many ways.  I just hope to get through the day with the least amount of damage as possible.  I don't know how my emotions will be easy day, and then that is a rollercoaster for everyone around me.  Plus, there is so much turmoil, and angst in the world that it is just absolutely waring and draining.  So much hate and injustice and ignorance.  So many extremes of insanity.  It is all a nightmare. 

I don't like that people are defensive, and won't listen to others.  I hate that people don't wear masks.  I mean help a sister out.  I get that it is a pain to wear one.  I wear them all the time at work.  My glasses get fogged, and I feel a bit confined.  BUT for the love of humanity.  Wear a damn mask!  It won't kill you, and if you think that it could, you probably shouldn't be out and about anyway.  I have to get things at Costco or crap for the kids.  I wish I didn't have to go anywhere.  I go as little places as possible.  BUT there are times when I need to go somewhere.  You'd think that anyone with a heart would listen and shut up when people are talking about black lives mattering.  It doesn't mean that no one else matters.  It doesn't mean that other races aren't suffering.  It means to listen, love, and act to help racial injustice.  Which by the way is alive and well, and if people can't see that, then they need to do a lot more introspection.  I have a couple of soap boxes I can stand on and wearing masks and racial injustice are just two for them.  Because I am pro black lives mattering, doesn't mean I hate the polices or want to berate others.  I can be pro BLM and still care about others and love police and other first responders.  My brother is one of them.   Everything is just so extreme and I don't get it.  Just out of human kindness always take a step back and put  yourself in someone else shoes.  It doesn't make you any less of a person to do this.  It doesn't mean you are weak or a push over.  It means you are a kind, compassionate human.  Isn't that what you want to be? 

Okay.  rant over.    I feel pretty safe because no one reads this so there ya go.  

All of this for me has shown me a lot about people.  Relationships that I thought were double sided have come to show that they were only one sided.  I understand that people have their own lives, and they deal with their own individual struggles, but this has shown me those that really do look outside themselves, and those that don't.  It has been very eye opening.  It has also made me want to even shrink my circle of peeps.  And keep the ones that have always been close closer, and the ones that have been in a relationship with me for themselves further away.  I don't need toxicity in my life.  So to be honest.  It has felt great not feeling bound to someone because of their codependency.

I hope I start feeling better soon.  I am just exhausted.  This whole thing has just been taxing for me.  I feel like I have been in recovery for the past 3 years, and I haven't felt good in that long of a time either.  Oh that's right,  It's because I haven't.  I am running out of patience with myself.   I really hope and pray there are brighter days for everyone ahead.  

My body has absolutely been waging war against me for so long.   I can't freaking win right now.  I am trying to be kind to myself and hold off from really hitting things hard with exercise until after my second surgery, but even the eating fairly well hasn't helped lately.  My body hangs on to everything.  And I wish for the love it would let go of some things.  AHHHH!  Frustration is at an all time high.  

Hopefully it really will make some improvements come August after my second surgery.  Please Bless!  

Ugh, I am such a downer lately.