THE ONE WITH A BASEBALL TO THE FACE

Holy!  Sometimes I get so anxiety ridden I'm Phoebe and lathering rinsing and repeating about 25 times.  Where's the emoji with the lady ripping her hair out?  I am dying for them to add that one. They finally added a few finger ones that have come in handy.  One of which my friend thought was the pointer finger.   She was using it at free will.  Needless to say, she lost a lot of friends that way. I'm kidding.  It only endeared her more to all.  Right?

Anyway, I digress, I need to process something that makes my mind get into such a dither that I can't even form words to explain my thoughts.  (That happens a lot.)  I can't wrap my brain around time, stages of life, and what the heck I am doing.  I used to hate when people would tell me to enjoy my kids while they were little.  I mean what did they think I was doing?   I remember thinking those with such words of wisdom were full of....well, liars.  Missing changing diapers, crying, sleepless nights, sleepless days (let's be honest) and the list went on.  I wanted to tell them to stop talking to me until they came up with actually some type of useful information to share.  Like how to stay awake when ever I did fall asleep, so I could relish in it and enjoy the sleep I so desperately wanted!  Of course we all enjoy things as much as we can, but it doesn't make the time passed easier when those certain times have come and gone, and we look back and reflect.  Good times are good times, and if the past is any indication of the future, then look out, only good times ahead!  I'm gonna go with that.

I beat myself up with things I haven't done, and then I beat myself up with things I have done within time frames.  I just can't win.  And now I am in a stage of life that no one has painted to be a "look forward to" time.  In fact, I don't even know how to categorize it except that I think I am in a certain age group, and then I realize I'm not.  It's like when Drew Barrymore goes back to high school in the movie Never been Kissed.  She wears blue eye shadow, chokers, pleather pants, and a faux fur coat. She wonders why she isn't fitting in.  Mmmmm.....hmmmmm...  All too familiar to me. I should admit to myself that I am one of those creepers who catch a few things from a young adult conversation and start making jokes like I know what Snap Chat and Pinterest are all about, when I actually have no idea how to work or sign on to either of those.  I have a hard time admitting to myself that I'm not what I used to be. Things I used to be good at are not so much my forte now a days.  So where does that leave me?  Sitting in front of a computer typing out my thoughts, listening to Harry Styles sing in the back ground, and the only reason I even know that's who is singing is because my Amazon echo told me.   Something about being part of some direction?

Then, just like the baseball that hit me in the face the other day at my son's game,  I came to a slight epiphany.  I'm not what I used to be,  I'm better!  Different, but better in so many ways.  Hopefully a little smarter, which may be a stretch.  A little less insecure, a little more confident, a little more understanding, a way lots more non judgmental, and a little more of what I would call a "real" person. However, still lacking in grammar and punctuation.  Let me be honest.  I'm tired of measuring myself against some imaginary ruler.  Social Media doesn't help this for me.  I find myself depressed, confused, and feeling like a complete loser because I haven't saved all the whales, found the fountain of youth, discovered every beauty secret, and come up with 200 ways to use a toilet paper roll as a decoration.  It's subliminal for me, and I do it to myself.  I genuinely love the people that I see doing all these things.  It all is incredible, because they truly are AMAZING! I don't want to take away anything from them.

You know what I have done though?  I've tried to make a difference within my own circle. These words came to me from my therapist of 23 years. (That man is going straight to heaven.) I figure any normal person sees a therapist.  There are so many people I love and I am so so thankful for who have blessed my life beyond measure.  If I took the time to tell two people a day what they have done for me in my life, and how I love them dearly,  I don't think I would even get through the list for years and years. Have a mentality of service and others.  I can be aware of people around me, I can listen to god when he prompts me to help people that I come in contact with.  Even with just a smile. My Chiclets for teeth have got to be good for something.  I once got yelled at by an old man whom I asked if I could help with getting his wife in their car and out of her wheel chair.  He adamantly said he could do it himself.  Mixed with a few other words I won't share here.  But, I would much rather try to help than WISH I would've done something.  Could you imagine the world if we all took time to listen to the feelings and promptings god gives us?  I have some goals and plans in place to continue to serve, and to feel like I "do enough."  They aren't monumental things.  Not even close.  I mean one of them is to get dressed by noon, and that will make a difference for my neighbors.  I guess I just want to Joe Dirt it, and keep on keepin' on.  (Don't tell anyone I watched that movie.  I really could use those hours of my life back.)

Some days I'm like Ross and I like to throw on some Kenny G and take a bath!  I feel great about that too. We recently got a puppy, and you know what I did for almost a week straight?  I cuddled the beast and listened to music and read and watched TV.  It was heavenly.  My hubs was so cute and told me that my responsibility was the puppy and not to worry about anything else.  So obviously my life was riveting.  Sarcasm implied.  But, the happiness that filled my house was amazing.  It was just what I needed.  And doing "nothing" is always doing "something."

I dislike the word busy.   Brene Brown says we use busy as a badge of measurement in our quest for feeling secure. (Okay those weren't her exact words, but dang I'm good.) haha!  We are all busy. That's the truth.  But no one is doing any more than anyone else. (relatively speaking) I think we are all in more of the same boat than we realize.  Although, I think it's hard to admit that.  Because of our nature, at first, admitting I struggle or need help gives me a feeling of weakness.  I immediately think that others are doing all these things during the day while I sit and cuddle my puppy.  But who defines busy?   I will admit to anything and everything in my life and own it.  I fall short in so many things, and it's daily.  Mainly because I am 5'1 on a good day.  I blame my Grandma for that.  I am not going to pass judgement on myself because my busy may be a good nap, while someone else is PTAing the school up!

I just want to be perfect in trying.  Where I live the image of perfection runs rampant. The culture is inundated with Martha Stewarts on steroids sans the wine.  It is a self esteem booster, let me tell you. Which makes me need to readjust my focus on things.  I would like to make time for others and my family, understanding that EVERYONE is doing the best they can, and to cut them some slack. Hoping that everyone cuts me some slack when I forget to pick someone up from practice, forget library books going back to school, don't do laundry, wear my pajamas to the store, and around my neighborhood,  forget to answer texts, or return calls, and the list goes on. Perfection will only happen when we find ourselves in Heaven one day. Please bless I don't take the elevator down.  Let's take care of each other now and build each other up. We all have time for that!

Let's recharge.  I give you all permission to do what ever it is you need to do to feel better about yourself.  Get off social media, take a nap, eat a candy bar, drink some diet soda, cry your eyes out, stay in your pajama's all day,  go on a walk, go out to lunch, read a book, cuddle a puppy, etc..  I fully support you. Totally on our side and always in your corner.   I mean heck, I'm still in my pajamas and haven't washed my hair in 5 days.  I'm guessing you're already way ahead of me.  💜